What the hell have I........

So happy b day to me (eh it's JUST another day in my mind) still, for some people, a birthday is a "good thing" I recall when birthday's where actually nice. Oh, I'd have a cake, and we'd have ice cream, and presents. It was fun, it's just lost it's luster now. That's not a bad thing, but perhaps something that I need to try to work on.

Honestly, the main reason why I am doing this post on my birthday, is that I have come to a point in my life, that I'm not sure WHAT to do. As funny as it MIGHT sound, things have spun out of control, to the point that what might happen actually scares the hell out of me, where as IF I was just dreaming about it, several months ago, I'd be LIKE "HELL yes I want that to happen!" What is that which I speak of? Well keep reading dear person (if anyone actually reads this)..

I am married, to a wonderful woman, honestly, she has her day's, she's younger then I am, and a month ago (or so) she went out drinking with her friends, and called me asking if I could pick her up. When I finally arrived I could tell that she had been drinking. Which is NOT a bad thing, we all like to cut loose sometimes, but things went crazy when she started pushing herself on me to have sex. Now honestly, I love sex, I love my wife, it's a great match. I just at times am NOT in the mood, am I old? am I a prude? Who knows the end result is I said no and this in turn sent her into a crying yelling rant (it DOES happen to some people when they drink too much) that ended with her asking me(and I quote) "Bre**, are you GAY?" To which I did NOT honestly have an answer.

That is where it SHOULD have ended, however two day's LATER, while at work, I get a text from my wife saying that she "Has figured out how to make our sex life work" This in a sense had me worried (which was a good thing) after doing the text thing for SOME time, she finally stated that her "solution" was to get one of her friends from California to F*c* her. REALLY...no REALLY it's come to that? I'm not sure if I should be PISSED or happy? In the sense that what she is basically asking is to "cuck" me, for some reason, it pisses me off. Now I understand, I really do, that she has needs, and that these needs are something that is wearing on her. However, the thought of her being with another man WHILE I'm in the house...in the same city or EVEN in the same State just really pisses me off.

There I am.......trying to figure out WHAT to do, it's my birthday YAY! me! I have a situation that I cannot win, I've got another year older, and I'm still totally confused about my gender. Well, I guess things could be worse, right? I could be without a job (crosses fingers)....

With Love,

Me

21 Guns

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q1RKr4pWOqs&feature=player_embedded

SO.......another day of trying to find a job, and another day of no luck. Oh well, such is life? right? Still I feel pretty crappy that my wife has to take up the slack.... Still I'm trying I swear...

In other news, I have to admit, the above song really hits me hard. I am not sure, perhaps it's just me and the lyrics. I have always been that person who trying to read lyrics and try to see what the person is really trying to say. In this case I'm not quite sure WHAT is being said, but I do know that I keep listening to it....

Also, I shall leave you with a video that makes me smile (hey one that makes you cry one that makes you laugh, both emotions ARE related trust me!)

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000464463712


With Love,

Me

A funny thing happened to me on the way to see a movie.....

Alright, it's just another tuesday(Or so I'm told) although today I was hit by a jolt of reality. My wife's friend's husband passed away from cancer, this actually from becoming HIV Positive. It's hit me pretty hard, knowing that much like trying to play a card game with one's life. You never know when your life will end. It's a touch thing to figure out, do you follow your desires or do you realize that doing that MIGHT end your life sooner.....

To that end, I'm still trying to figure that one out myself....and I keep going back to that damn Nine Inch nails song, In this Twilight. That "you will find a better place, in this twilight". I think I need to think on this whole thing, and what it really means to wonder what one's gender really is. However, here, watch this video, all two of you:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4dcOiKASXyk

Give it a try, and if you can just listen to the words......

With Love,

cloe

I Want to Believe....

Just like Fox Mulder, I have been looking all my life for the Truth, in the TV shows (and the movies) I think in the end HE found the truth. I can only hope that in time, perhaps *I* will find the truth. WE are all looking for something. For me, I am trying to figure out in the end if I am a man or a woman.

Yes, Yes I know my "genes" show as man, but the bigger question is do we become who we are by nature or nurture? Are we "born" male and stay that way? or are we born a gender, and we can LEARN to be the gender we want/desire? I know I'm trying to pose some weird crazy questions, and I don't expect the two(or three?) of you that actually read this to know, perhaps just perhaps you might have an opinion. I would love to hear what you have to say...

In other news, I have decided that I have become addicted to Steam. The ability to get games at the flick of a button (or two) has made it so that I have several games that I always wanted to try, but never had the A. Time, B. money, and C. ability to actually get. To that end, I have to say, I LOVE "Jade Empire", and have had such an amazing adventure in Call of Duty: Black ops. The graphics on Black ops is really amazing. I guess that getting those two GTS250's in SLI WAS a good idea! I've even gone so overboard, that I havc even bought Modern warfare 2. Oh well, I'm crazy I guess..

I had a job interview the other day, and got the reply: "We'll call you in the future IF you get the job" Usually, when I hear those words, it's a coin flip. So, I'm NOT holding my breath! Also here next week, I have a "Meet and greet" with a possible company that MIGHT want to hire me. Woah, free dinner? sign me up!

Anyway, I'm going to go back to "Black Ops" and check on my laundry that is in the dryer....I hope every one has a great labor day. :)

With Love,

Cloe

I'mma do the things That I wanna do I ain't got a thing To prove to you

HA!!!

See I told you I'd post again :) Yes, yes I KNOW it's not as soon as I would have hoped, however in my defense, I have been somewhat busy. With it being the end of the summer, I've been trying to do as much as I possibly can.

Anyway, as I sit here, I have had one job interview (phone to start) and I have a dinner to go to with another possible employer. It should be fun (yea I'm trying to think happy thoughts). In other news, I am still have "issues" with gender. I keep wondering if perhaps there is a way to end this one way other other. I know that in the end I am the combo of both. However if I could end this I would be much happier in the end.

So I am going to post tomorrow (OR today for some of you) and I'll up date you on what things I have done. I actually started Fallout: New Vegas and at first I was NOT amused, having played Fallout 3 I had expected something very similar and to a point, it is. I'm just not a fan of the healing. Still once you get into the story, I find myself going back and just exploring the waste land. It is a nice distraction from other "issues" and other "problems".

SO today I leave you with another video (yes it's NOT porn, just another great song) That I find actually makes sense. I usually read deep into lyrics of a song and try to find meaning. Who knows if I'm right or wrong, but it's a lot of fun to see what the band/person is trying to express.

With Love,

cloe

http://youtu.be/PQHPYelqr0E

So why then Has all my life made no sound.....

Much has happened since my last post, during that time, I got pretty sick and with no health insurance (don ask it's a long story). I had to rely on my "fail safe" The VA (Veterans admin). Being a vet, I was able to go into the VA ER and be diagnosed with "issues" with my gallbladder. Two day's later, I was actually feeling better, if not a bit weak. However on the plus side I was not throwing up bile like I was prior to going to the VA. It's the small victories that I take....

So during the time of recovery, I have been listening to a lot of perhaps my favorite band "Chevelle". This band in a mere 10 years has made some very introspective and amazing music. They have been there (even though they don't know it) thru the hard times, and the good times in my life, and during it all, they never asked for one thing. It was the lyrics and the pure sonic blast from them that made me jump for joy, and at times tear (yes I admit it....).

So, I post this now to let everyone know that *I* still do live, and I have included one of my "new" favorites from Chevelle's newest album. Shameful Metaphors really does speak for me, and the conflict that at times I have to fight with myself. The best way to describe it would be that there is a war between two sides of the same part of me. One that is the female side, the other the male. It is at times a conflict on a scale that I cannot even TRY to describe. Just think of the "80's" version of WW III and you might understand. It's like the "Group of Soviet Forces in Germany" crossed into west Germany thru the Fulda gap starting a way between East and west. Yes, I know "Cloe WHERE the hell did you come up with THAT comparison? Trust me, it's the geek in me. I just hope it helps to show just what conflict is going on.

My therapist at the VA (which I had been going to for PTSD) had stated before, that it might be best for me to keep a journal or "diary" depending on which side of me you want to talk to :) At first, I was somewhat hesitant. I mean WHO would want to read THIS crap? Yes I know the two of you that are (or less?) in the end, I realized that it does not matter WHO reads this as long as I can put down my feelings and thoughts, then it helps me. So to the one or two people who actually read this? Thank you, and I promise to try to post more.

I leave you with the "Shameful metaphors" Video. Yes I know I KNOW it's NOT porn and it's NOT a funny video, there are no breasts or pie's to the face, but HEY you have to branch out and explore other things, right? Just give it a try both of you. Who know's perhaps next time I'll show breasts or a pie to the face ;)

With Love,

cloe

http://youtu.be/7rW4hZNSVr4

P.S. I don't know IF this is going to work.....I've never posted a link IN a blog. SO wish me luck :)

Two wrongs don't make a right.....

But there's a gulf where they just might....

One of my fav lines from a old 90's song, makes me realize how things have changed. I recently ran across my old (first AND last) blog post. So many years have gone bye, and so MANY things have changed. TO bad not ALL of the underlying questions where answered, still I take what I can get.

I have caused so much pain, and suffering to the one's that I love, and in the end I had to make a choice. Much like a really bad sitcom, or perhaps a life time movie event, I had two wonderful, and stunning people love me, one understood what I was going thru, and wanted to help me. The other, had been with me thru thick and thin, was unsure of what *I* was going to become. Still, let me know that whatever MY choice was, she would love me.....

Like a really REALLY bad version of Sofie's choice, this was where I was thrust into. Let me tell you, I don't care WHAT guys say, having two people fight over you, is NO fun, and NOT a place *I* would wish on ANYONE, yes NOT EVEN my ex wife. I have never felt so low, and I have never cried as much. So there I was, there was no right, no wrong, no black or white. Only shades of grey....... Oddly enough in the end, I came to realize something...

That no matter WHICH choice I made, there was no right OR wrong, that my choice WOULD hurt someone, and that was the result of m actions. Be they right or wrong, it was something that I had to live with and realize. I never had thought that I would want to hurt EITHER, I was only lonely, and needed someone to love, it was my fault, that I oddly enough could not just either poop or get off the pot (as my old navy instructor) once said.....

I made my choice, and to this day, I do not regret, that I made the wrong choice or right choice. In my eyes, *I* made the right choice. Do I regret hurting everyone (including myself) yes, I do. This however has helped me grow, and learn more about myself. Now, I just need to work on the "real" me, male? female? a bit of both? who knows......

Well, that is post two....it took a bit longer then I had thought it would, and who knows, I actually think this might HELP me, in things. I might just start posting more. Again, NOT LIKE anyone is actually reading this ;)

With love,

cloe